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COURTSHIP
The “way of a man
with a maid” was one of the things which Agur the son of
Jakeh found too wonderful for him. It is one of the
mysteries of creation that there is an impulse which brings
together a man and a woman in the relationship of love and
tender confidence which we call courtship. What it is that
awakens love between two people we do not know. A man may
like and admire many women and yet remain emotionally
unmoved by them. Then will come into his life a woman who
releases within him a desire to make his life one with hers.
Though it happens so often we never cease to wonder at the
manner of it. This love may grow out of a deepening
friendship, or it may be called into being on the instant.
Though it may be outside our own experience we should not
scoff at love at first sight; there are Biblical examples of
happy marriages which began in this way.
In all this we
recognize the working of the divine purpose for mankind: the
joining together of man and woman in life-long union and the
procreation of children. A clear understanding of this
divine ideal is a prerequisite to satisfactory preparation
for marriage. This is not to say that a marriage is not
fulfilled unless children are born. Human beings are higher
in the scale of life than animals and a happy and creative
union may be experienced by a couple to whom children are
denied.
Courtship is an
increasingly intimate friendship between a man and a woman
who contemplate marriage. In beginning to share each other’s
lives their experience is enlarged. They tell each other
about themselves, about their earlier lives and backgrounds
and their aims and hopes for the future. They seek to know
each other better all the time and have no reserves between
themselves. Going about together and engaging in mutual
activities should increase their awareness and sensitivity,
both towards one another and to the world around them. They
will discuss and investigate all kinds of things and each
will have something to give to the other.
Like many other
things in life, a good marriage requires preparation if it
is to be achieved. There must be a responsible and
disciplined outlook. Too many people today appear to be
ready to enter into relationships where the sexual aspect is
predominant without any serious contemplation of marriage.
Such an attitude is to be condemned, both because it
undermines the divine intention of marriage as an
irrevocable and life-long committal of a man to a woman, and
for its disrupting effects upon the individuals concerned
and ultimately upon society as a whole. Physical attraction
plays an important part in most courtships, and we make a
mistake if we belittle it, but the only enduring foundations
for marriage are love, loyalty and mutual respect. Let it be
recognized that our sexual impulses are so strong that they
need to be restrained and in the absence of restraint damage
is frequently caused to another person. For a man the
struggle for control may be particularly intense, but the
effort is infinitely worthwhile.
In almost any
courtship disagreements will arise. These may relate to
minor matters which further discussion will easily resolve,
but they may reveal fundamental differences of outlook. This
should give cause for serious reflection. It is unwise to
try to find an easy way out by playing down the
disagreements. Far better to be made aware of them before
those concerned are committed too deeply and if necessary
put aside all intention of marriage. Although a couple may
live through the early period of marriage without any
serious conflict between them arising, when the upbringing
of children is commenced the hidden differences may become
only too obvious.
The possibility that
a child may be born to a couple within a year of their
marriage should again serve to emphasize the need for a
responsible approach to marriage during the period of
courtship. A girl may think of marriage in terms of
security, with a home and children; a man may think, not
primarily of these things, but of the opportunity to express
his physical impulses. Thus only too easily a conflict of
aims may arise. Let both recognize that marriage is far more
than the fulfilment of a biological function; it is a
sharing of the whole of life and ideally, a seeking together
for the path to the kingdom of God. The responsibilities of
parenthood will then be welcome as a creative experience and
there will be no feeling of irksome restriction but one of
joy and intense satisfaction.
In our society a
period of courtship is generally followed by a formal
engagement in recognition that a man and woman have pledged
themselves to each other, though not irrevocably at this
stage. The period of engagement may produce a sense of
strain between a couple. Inevitably there is
self-questioning in a desire to know whether the marriage
will be a success. Where genuine love and mutual respect are
present the doubts and difficulties will be kept in
perspective and in most cases successfully resolved.
Some engaged couples
are so certain of the commitment to each other that they
anticipate the marriage ceremony and come together in
physical intimacy. The principles upon which Scripture
judges such an act to be sinful have been sufficiently
stated in the previous leaflet in this series, and it is
unnecessary to repeat them. This is the ultimate sanction to
which we should have regard and it leaves no room for any
couples who, allowing themselves to be carried away on the
wave of passion, attempt to justify their action by
asserting that their committal to each other need not wait
upon a formal marriage ceremony.
The satisfaction of
our sexual impulses in physical intimacy has a profound
effect on personality. Almost inevitably sexual indulgence
outside marriage will produce in one or both of the
participants some feeling of regret, perhaps of disgust and
even fear, especially where a child results. Even where no
child is born there is often something furtive and
clandestine about such an act because those concerned are
not living the kind of life which only marriage makes
possible. The aspect of self-giving in marriage may reach
its climax in intimacy, but the background of a home, with
the economic responsibility involved, should all be part of
that unity. Marriage involves vows of life-long loyalty and
a life so organized that those vows may be honoured.
If we are to achieve
the greatest degree of unity in married life, it is
essential that we observe the principle that our partner
should be one of our own faith. This is the only sound and
enduring basis for marriage, not only because it fulfils a
Scriptural injunction, but also from a practical point of
view. It is doubtless true that men and women of different
faiths contrive to live together happily and contentedly but
invariably there will be some sacrifice of principle on the
part of one or both partners. Surely we shall recognize the
desirability of fundamental unity in the most important
thing in life and control our friendships with those outside
so that we avoid the danger of finding ourselves deeply
committed to another before we had realized it. To break off
a relationship when powerful emotions have been kindled may
sometimes be necessary but will frequently be the cause of
pain to others as well as to ourselves. We should be wise to
draw back before that stage is reached.
Practical
difficulties so often arise to place obstacles in the way of
a serene and happy marriage between those of diverse faiths.
Perhaps the most common is the inability to attend the
meetings regularly. Occasional attendence on a Sunday
morning will often be tolerated and sometimes assisted but
rarely can a brother or sister in this position make regular
attendances at other ecclesial meetings and activities. It
is hard indeed to play a full part in the ecclesial life
because there is always tension and a pull in another
direction. The training of children is rendered more
difficult and it is hardly ideal for them to grow up to the
realization that their parents are not at one in their
outlook on life.
All brethren and
sisters have a part to play in helping and guiding our young
people to achieve happy and fruitful relationships. If we
are wise we shall avoid contriving to bring together those
who evince no desire for association, and at the same time
refrain from placing obstacles in the way of those who do.
However well-intentioned, attempts to interfere in the lives
and relationships of others are likely to be unsuccessful
and may be harmful. The greatest encouragement we can offer
to young people entering upon the joyous and happy period of
courtship is the example of creative and harmonious
marriages between those who seek to serve their Lord and
uphold his teaching in all aspects of their lives.
Source: The Christadelphian : Volume 99 pp. 545-547.
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