Dating outside the
Household
The Old Testament
scriptures are clear. The Israelites were a holy nation, a
peculiar people, and were not to associate with the heathen
nations around them. To do so for personal reasons such as
enjoying the companionship of the opposite sex might lead to
marriage which was totally prohibited (Deuteronomy 7:1–6;
Joshua 23:11–13).
“When the LORD
thy God shall deliver them before thee; thou shalt smite
them, and utterly destroy them; thou shalt make no covenant
with them, nor shew mercy unto them: neither shalt thou make
marriages with them; thy daughter thou shalt not give unto
his son, nor his daughter shalt thou take unto thy son. For
they will turn away thy son from following me, that they may
serve other gods: so will the anger of the LORD be kindled
against you, and destroy thee suddenly.”
(Deuteronomy
7:2–4)
Why? God knew that
bringing into His fold individuals with extended families of
different beliefs would eventually influence His people to
live unacceptable lifestyles and worship other gods. We see
the consequences in the very public lives of the kings who
married foreign wives and lost their children to the world.
In the New Testament we are told that friendship with the
world is enmity with God (2 Corinthians 6:14–18; James 4:4;
1 John 2:15–17). Friendship can be an ambiguous word. We
have relatives, many of them not in the Truth, who are not
only friends but loved ones. So how can we not be friends
with the world?
God knows our
circumstances. He wants all to be in the Kingdom (John 3:16,
17; 2 Timothy 2:3, 4; 2 Peter 3:9). If we have relatives
outside the Truth, one of our greatest goals in life should
be to share our precious pearl, the hope of eternal life,
with them! If they are not interested and try to pull us
into their lifestyle we should not make close ties with them
(Matthew 10:34–39; 12:46–50; Mark 10:28–31). In fact, there
will not be time if we are busy loving and caring for the
ecclesia, excited about preaching, and studying to show
ourselves approved. The ecclesia is our new family and some
sheep need us desperately.
“For I am come to
set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter
against her mother, and the daughter in law against her
mother in law. And a man’s foes shall be they of his own
household. He that loveth father or mother more than me is
not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more
than me is not worthy of me.”
(Matthew
10:35–37)
Whereas in most
cases we cannot choose our relatives, some do make the
choice when they marry. But before marriage, there is always
a period of growing friendship during which decisions to
continue the relationship are constantly being made. God
knows we are not putting Him first when we date outside the
Truth. Even if the person is baptized after developing a
friendship, and subsequently is married, our spouse will
always know that at the time of our courtship we were
prepared to look for friendship and fulfillment outside the
things of God. Convincing a spouse or their family of our
sincerity in putting God first and asking them to do the
same can be difficult once we have taken this position. The
power of our human nature to pull us down is stronger than
our will to do good. It is a lifelong battle, and we need
our spouse to trust us. With God as our strength and our
spouse on our side the battle can be won. The prize is
glorious!
For our Good
Why does God make
these commandments? Is it to make us miserable if we are in
isolation or in an ecclesia with few desirable partners? No.
It is to try our faith and see if we will follow the example
of His faithful of old in choosing a wife or husband as did
Abraham and Isaac (Genesis 24:1–4; 28:1–5). It is a fact
that the institution of the family is in jeopardy. With the
divorce rate for first marriages being over 50%, second
marriages 60% and for all recent first marriages 67%, we
know it is hard to make this relationship work. Children are
a product of their families of origin and learn their values
and ways of thinking primarily from them. Within the last
few years it has been important for students of sociology
and psychology to become increasingly empirical in their
research. Their statistics must be mathematically valid and
reliable. As a result many very stringent studies have been
done to prove how and why behavior can be predicted. It has
been shown that cohabitation before matrimony makes less
successful marriages, and that people who marry within their
religion help sustain their religious beliefs.
What should we do
about it?
Scripture cannot be
ignored. Is it wise for us to justify the end by the means?
“Brother X or Sister Y married someone they dated before
they were baptized and he or she is stronger in the Truth
now than many others.” A true understanding of why marriage
was instituted is essential to see why this logic is faulty.
In the world, marriages have been made for many reasons such
as companionship, children, or financial security. God had a
higher purpose from the beginning. Marriage was introduced
to teach what the relationship between Christ and his bride,
the ecclesia, should be like. Helping to prepare a human
being for the kingdom by doing everything in one’s own power
to promote his or her spirituality becomes the main reason
for marriage (Ephesians 5:20–33).
“Now as the church
submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their
husbands in everything. Husbands, love your wives, just as
Christ loved the church and
gave himself up for her to
make her holy, cleansing her by the washing with water
through the word, and to present her to himself as a radiant
church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but
holy and blameless. For this
reason a man will leave his
father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two
will become one flesh.”
(Ephesians
5:24–29,
31,
NIV)
If this reason comes
low on the list of priorities in marriage we have laid a
faulty foundation. It is very difficult to keep such a goal
alive with the support of parents, grandparents, aunts,
uncles and cousins in the ecclesia. It is harder without it.
It is worse still to have to deal with strong pulls in the
other direction from relatives who would rather we not be
devoted to living and preaching the Truth.
The Conclusion of
the Matter
Let us find the
scriptures that teach us clearly what God desires. Let us
share them with our children and with our friends. Let us
not justify our own mistakes by pointing to God’s mercy in
making all things work together for our good. It is like
playing Russian Roulette with half the chambers filled. Some
will not die from pulling the trigger of disobedience, but
many others will. Are we willing to take that chance?
We must share with
others what to look for in a mate and why. We must counsel
others to bring interested friends to a knowledge of the
Truth through members of the same sex,
before the
emotions of dating obscure objective reasoning and love
perhaps overrides beliefs for a while. When the initial
all-consuming passion has died, a spouse’s true love for God
as their primary focus in life, will surface. Then it will
be too late if that love for God is not first in one’s
heart.
We can encourage
each other with the knowledge that our world has become
increasingly smaller, and to find strong partners in other
corners of the world is a real possibility. To plan, be
patient, and make ourselves spiritually strong so that we
will attract spiritually strong people takes time. It can
keep us active and happy while we wait for God to bring that
special person into our lives. Pray that we may have faith
to do our part, for we know He will do His (Hebrews
10:23–27; 1 Corinthians 10:7–14; 2 Corinthians 4:13–18).
Lynn
Perry
Source: The Christadelphian : Volume 134 pp. 374-375.
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